


Accepting

by chaotic_carisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:53:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26812453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi
Summary: He wanted to tell him, he wanted to blurt it all out, he wanted him to know, but the thought of Sonny rejecting him, well, it wasn’t something he wanted to experience
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	Accepting

Rafael smiled as he heard his office door open, pushing his work away as he looked up at Sonny. These lunch dates were the highlights of his days, he would count down the hours every morning, and think back fondly as he finished his work that day. 

“Hey, how was work?” He asked as Sonny placed a bag on the desk, shrugging his jacket off and hanging it over the chair. 

“The usual, still doing paperwork.” He replied, frowning. He sat across from Rafael and sighed. He missed being out of the precinct, but when Sonny refused to follow orders on his last case, well, he couldn’t expect to be rewarded. “I just want to get out and help again.” He shook his head as Rafael stood up and walked around the desk, leaning against it after placing a gentle kiss on Sonny’s forehead. 

“I can talk to Liv if you want?” He suggested, but he already knew the answer. “Sonny please,” he said as Sonny shook his head, “I hate seeing you so miserable. It’s killing me. Let me help, please.” He pleaded, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. If Sonny was one thing, it was stubborn. “Fine, here.” He reached in the bag and handed a sandwich to Sonny, sighing. Rafael was unwrapping his own sandwich when Sonny spoke up. 

“Can I come over tonight?” He asked, looking up to Rafael, who froze. Sonny had stayed over a couple times, but usually it was accidental, passing out on the couch after a long day, but this was different, Rafael could tell. He had been expecting it for a while, they had been dating for almost 7 months, it had to come at some point but it still felt so soon. Too soon. 

“Sure.” Rafael said, hoping he was wrong, but he knew he wasn’t. Sonny’s smile at his response somehow made him feel worse. What was he supposed to say? How would he even begin to explain? “That means you’re buying dinner though.” 

“That’s fine, so long as you’re ok with pizza.” He laughed, but looked up at Rafael, noticing the sadness in his eyes. He could tell he was hiding something, but he had no idea what. Maybe he was thinking of ending things. No, Sonny told himself. That couldn’t be it, but, it could. Sonny had noticed Rafael was becoming distant, shying back from situations, it almost seemed like he was holding himself back. Sonny just wanted to help Rafael; the way Rafael often helped him with cases. 

“That’s fine with me.” He took another bite of his sandwich, avoiding Sonny’s eyes. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to blurt it all out, he wanted him to know, but the thought of Sonny rejecting him, well, it wasn’t something he wanted to experience. Maybe it would be easier to lie, and to be uncomfortable than to tell the truth and risk losing the only good thing he’d ever had. 

“What have you got going on, Raf? I need something new to think about.” The way Sonny shortened his name always made him feel better, no matter the context, and he smiled as he reached for the paperwork that he was supposed to have finished the day before. 

He handed it to Sonny, and said “I’m supposed to able to charge him in a few hours, but with one witness, nothing will stick.” He sighed. “I’ll have to take the loss.” He hated losing a case, even just one. He knew it was irrational but he felt like a failure, he was supposed to help put the bad guys away, keep them off the streets, especially after the NYPD worked so hard to catch them in the first place. 

“Hey, you can’t win every battle, one guy isn’t going to ruin the world,” Sonny placed a comforting hand on Rafael’s leg, giving it a reassuring squeeze as Rafael looked down into his blue eyes. “It’s ok to not be amazing all the time, Raf, even if you are a perfectionist.” Sonny flicked through the files as Rafael finished his sandwich, and looked for anything that could help. “Why don’t you go for manslaughter, if the evidence fits.” He suggested, handing the paperwork back. 

“It would be a lot better if I could win every battle.” Rafael muttered and took the papers back. “Maybe,” He said, so Sonny could hear this time, “I suppose I’ll have to. Keep this up and you’ll be a better lawyer than me.” Rafael finished, reaching down and placing his hand over Sonny’s, which was still on his leg. 

Sonny laughed, and stood up, taking a step towards Rafael. “That’s impossible, Raf.” 

Sonny raised his hand, and gently ran it through Rafael’s hair, letting it rest on the back of his neck. Rafael felt his stomach flip. He knew what was coming next, and somehow after months, it still took him by surprise. This time, instead of waiting, Rafael leaned up and kissed Sonny first, enjoying the feel of Sonny’s lips against his own. Rafael would’ve liked to stay like this for a while longer, enjoying the way Sonny’s hand drew patterns on the back of his neck, but he sighed, pulling himself away from Sonny as the detective’s phone began to ring. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, then answered the phone, turning away from Rafael. Rafael took a second, and straightened his tie, before walking back round his desk and sitting down. He already knew what would happen next, but he was used to it by now. Sonny hung up and turned back around, that familiar look on his face. 

“I know, you have to go.” Rafael said, before Sonny could. “It’s alright, I’ll see you tonight.” He said, chuckling at his unintentional rhyme. Sonny walked around the desk and kissed Rafael gently, once, twice, almost a third time but he stopped himself. 

“I’m sorry.” He said again, then kisses Rafael on the cheek and left. 

Rafael sighed to himself. He had to tell him tonight, he just had to. He had kept it in as long as he could, but it was time. Rafael threw himself back into his work, trying his best to prepare for the hearing. 

-

The rest of the day passed slowly. Rafael somehow made it through the hearing, and spent the next few hours in his office, absent-mindedly checking paperwork and occasionally scribbling notes for the next day. He barely noticed the time until his phone buzzed on his desk. Sonny was calling him. 

“Are you alright?” He asked as he picked up, instantly thinking the worst. 

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to know what pizza you wanted.” Shit. Sonny was getting pizza and he wasn’t even at home. Rafael glanced at his watch and stood up, leaving his office without bothering to organise his desk as he usually did. 

“Surprise me.” He said, waving to Carmen as he passed, his jacket over his free arm. 

“Alright, see you in 20.” He hung up. 20 minutes? There was no way Rafael could make it home that soon, but he didn’t have an option. 

“Shit.” Rafael muttered when he finally got to his flat. Sonny was sitting on the floor, leaning against the door, a slice of pizza in his hand. “I’m sorry, Sonny, I’m so, so sorry.” He was shocked to see that Sonny just grinned up at him, and opened the pizza box. 

“Sit down, Raf. It’s pizza time.” He slid the box towards Rafael as he sat down, still smiling. “You could’ve at least said you’d be late; I would’ve waited to get the pizza.” He said as Rafael took a slice from the box. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, sighing as some sauce from the pizza dripped onto his tie. “I wasn’t aware of the time.” He took a bite of the pizza and realised how hungry he really was. Their lunch date felt like it was days ago. 

“Don’t worry about it Raf.” Sonny said, his mouth full of pizza. He took another slice from the box, then pushed the box back to Rafael. He swallowed, then asked, “So? How did the hearing go?” 

“8 Years for manslaughter.” Rafael said, trying to wipe the pizza sauce off his tie before it could stain. 

“I knew you’d do it. You’ve still got your streak!” Sonny laughed. Rafael stood up, taking the pizza box with him and pulling his keys out his pocket. 

“Excuse me, detective, but it’s cold, and I’d very much like to get into my flat now.” He joked, holding his hand out to help Sonny up, before unlocking the door. “Drink?” he asked, as he placed the pizza box on the kitchen counter, turning to a cupboard for glasses as Sonny nodded. He poured drinks and followed Sonny to the sofa, turning the TV on as he sat down. He flicked through the channels, eventually finding a movie, some romantic comedy where the guy realises he’s in love with his best friend at the end. 

“Really?” Sonny said, but Rafael knew he secretly loved those types of movies. Rafael leaned on Sonny’s shoulder, relaxing against him. He couldn’t quite explain it but Sonny felt like home. He felt safe and warm, and Rafael loved that about him. When they were together like this, he never wanted to move. As comfortable as Rafael was, he could feel the dread filling him. He had to tell him at some point. 

They watched the movie in silence, Rafael would laugh as Sonny groaned at the cheesy scenes. The movie ended, too soon, Rafael thought as he sat up straight. 

“Sonny, I- I need to tell you something.” He said. This was it. No turning back now. 

“Alright.” Sonny said, and he reached out to take Rafael’s restless hands in his own. He tried not to show it, but he was nervous. He didn’t want to lose Rafael, not so soon, not without reason. 

Rafael took a deep breath. He just had to say it. Then it would be out. He had to let it out. 

“I’m asexual.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper, but Sonny heard. Rafael wasn’t sure what he expected, but it surprised him when he felt Sonny’s hand tighten over his own. Sonny could see the tears threatening to spill from Rafael’s green eyes and he sighed. 

“That’s okay.” He said, wrapping an arm around Rafael. 

“Is it?” Rafael shook his head. He knew, he just knew that this wasn’t normal. Sex was a normal part of human nature, it was natural, it was expected. What made him so different. Why was he the exception, the odd one out, the difference. Before he could say anything else, the tears fell. 

“Oh, Rafael.” Sonny pulled him close, and Rafael buried his face in his chest, feeling all the effort leave his body as he sobbed.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried, but he knew it had been a long time ago. He cried and he thought of all the reasons why. He thought of those nights where he lay alone, wondering what was wrong with him, why he couldn’t enjoy it, even when he tried, why he didn’t even like the idea of sex. He thought at first it was just because he was gay, that perhaps it would be different with a man, but it was the same. He just felt numb, empty, disgusted even. He wanted to be normal so badly, he just wanted to fit in. He had seen the way Sonny looked at him sometimes, he knew exactly what he was thinking, what he wanted, and it killed Rafael that he couldn’t do anything about it. Had Rafael not told Sonny, he probably would’ve tried to please Sonny, somehow, even if it was one-sided. A part of him was glad that it never came down to it, but another part of him was angry. Angry at how weak he was, angry that he wouldn’t even try. This was a man that he supposedly loved, and he wouldn’t even try. No. Not wouldn’t. He couldn’t try. It wasn’t his fault; he wasn’t in the wrong here. He knew it wasn’t his fault, yet he still felt terrible. 

Rafael cried. He cried for a long time, and Sonny held him, rubbing his back gently. He didn’t say anything, not yet. He just let Rafael cry against him. As he felt his sobs slow, he whispered, “It’s okay,” in his ear, and continued whispering it, every few minutes until Rafael sat up straight again, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. 

“Sorry.” He whispered. 

“Sorry?” Sonny asked, and he couldn’t help but laugh. “What do you have to be sorry about, Raf?” 

Rafael looked at him, confused. “Well, I-“ He stopped, suddenly feeling embarrassed. He noticed the wet patch on Sonny’s shirt and looked at the ground. “I can’t, you know, I wouldn’t do anything with you, and it’s not fair on you.” He said, feeling his face burn red. It really shouldn’t be so awkward for him to talk about sex, especially considering the amount of rape cases he had helped Sonny and the other detectives with. This was different. Very different. 

Sonny laughed again. “You think I care about sex? I couldn’t care less.” Sonny took Rafael’s hand again. Rafael was confused now. He had seen how Sonny looked at him sometimes, and he had asked to come over tonight, so did that not mean... Rafael’s thoughts were cut short as Sonny said. “I love you Rafael Barba. So long as I can call you mine, I don’t care about anything else.”

“I love you too, Sonny.” Rafael said, and he meant it. 

“Wait, uhm, earlier, when we kissed. Was that okay?” Sonny asked, looking concerned. 

“Yeah. I don’t mind that. I used to. I could never understand it before, I never saw the reasoning behind it but, its different with you. It’s nice.” Rafael said, smiling to himself. It was nice. It was a surprise the first time it happened, but a pleasant one. Rafael grew to enjoy those small moments with Sonny, and he was grateful that Sonny never took it further. 

“Okay. Okay good.” He glanced down at his watch and swore under his breath. “It’s late, I should probably go.” Rafael nodded but then thought of something better. 

“Stay.” He said. “Stay the night.” Sonny looked surprised at first, but his face softened. 

“Are you sure?” He asked, already thinking he could sleep on the couch. He had slept there a few times, crashing after a long day at work, passing out after a few too many drinks with Rafael. 

Rafael stood up. “Of course.” He turned towards his bedroom, but stopped as he noticed Sonny wasn’t following him. “What are you doing?” He watched as Sonny moved the cushions on the couch. 

“What? What do you mean?” He looked up, and it took a second for his brain to make the connections between Rafael and the way he was looking at his bedroom door. “Oh. Oh!” He laughed and followed Rafael into the dark bedroom. “Are you sure?” He asked again, watching as Rafael pulled his shirt off.

“Yes, I’m sure, Sonny. Now, are you going to sleep fully clothed?” He asked, stepping out of his trousers and getting into the cold bed, shivering slightly. Sonny laughed, and stripped down to his boxers quickly, wrapping an arm around Rafael as he got into the bed as well. Sonny lay back, and Rafael lay against his chest, grateful for his warmth. “Goodnight Sonny.” He whispered. 

Sonny lightly kissed the top of his head. “Goodnight Rafael.”


End file.
